MONDAY
I lined up the latest round of civil servants from city hall against the wall, and signalled for the firing squad to drop their rifles. I stepped up onto a wooden crate to look at the office workers in the eye. But that didn’t feel right, so I found another crate to put on top of the crate, stepped up onto it, and looked down on the doomed assembly. That felt better.
“Believe me,” I said, “this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you”.
“You think it’s easy for me as your Coalition Sheriff of Dodge City to make these decisions? Trust me. It ain’t easy.”
I reached into my top pocket for a 100 percent cotton handkerchief that not only feels gentle against the skin but also provides excellent absorbency, and wiped away a tear.
“I need you folks to think about how it feels for me to have to do this to you,” I said. “It weighs heavily on my shoulders. It surely does. But I have to achieve my goals of mass unemployment for the good of Dodge and all the townsfolk in it, apart from the newly unemployed townsfolk and their families.”
I stared into the middle distance. It was where I hoped to see hope for the future. But I didn’t see any signs, and waved my 100 percent cotton handkerchief.
I flinched when the shots rang out. I’m sensitive, maybe even sensitive to a fault.
TUESDAY
A new poll seems to suggest that I ain’t very popular in Dodge. But what’s one poll? One poll don’t add up to a hill of beans.
WEDNESDAY
Another poll seems to suggest I ain’t very popular in Dodge. Well, two polls don’t add up to much.
THURSDAY
A third poll has been described as the worst polling performance for any first-term government in nearly 30 years.
FRIDAY
I walked into the saloon. The card players looked up. The honkytonk piano player looked up. The drinkers at the bar looked up. I cleared my throat, and said, “Listen here. We have to turn Dodge around!”
There was a general murmur of assent.
Encouraged, I said, “We’ve got a series of challenges that we’re working through!”
The card players resumed their poker game.
“We’re not afraid to make the tough choices because that’s actually what’s needed!”
The drinkers ordered another round.
“We’ve got a fantastic future ahead of us!”
The honkytonk player struck up a tune, and drowned out the rest of my speech.
Someone yelled out, “What are you gonna do about that varmint Peters?”
I yelled back, “He’s doing an excellent job!”
Coarse laughter filled the saloon. It offended my sensitive nature, so I turned and left. I stood on the main street of Dodge and stared into the middle distance. It was dark and I couldn’t see a goddamned thing.
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